This is a FanFic I wrote for the novel The Catcher in the Rye. It is basically Holden Caulfield's thoughts, with the main focus of his thoughts being about his brother Allie, to the tune of the Evanescence song "My Immortal." Some of his thoughts are before Allie dies (which isn't seen in the novel and I kind of make that scene in the writing) and immiediately after Allie has passed away. Enjoy!
I'm so tired of being here. Suppressed by all my childish fears.
All of these goddamn phonies need to get the hell out of my life! All they do is kill you, they really do. They just make up stuff about themselves to make them look better; none of it is actually true. Why do people have to change into phonies; why can't people just stay the same and be the same as everyone else?
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave. Because your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone.
Allie, please, get better. I need you! The way you're hovering between life and death is killing me inside, it really is! Your presence is haunting me, why can't you just get better?
You used to captivate me by your resonating light. But now I'm bound by the life you left behind.
Allie, you were there at a time when I needed you the most. You used to calm me down when I was angry, cheer me up when I was sad, and keep me happy whenever I was. But now that you might be leaving, I can feel your presence wherever I go and it's scaring me!
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams. Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me.
I can see you in my dreams, Allie. Everywhere I turn when I'm dreaming, I see your face. I try to go after you and follow you, but you somehow manage to hide away from me. I can hear you too. Every time that I hear you in my sleep, it seems to make me go insane, it's like your voice is tearing my mind into pieces, and you don't care that you're doing it.
These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There's just too much that time cannot erase.
No matter what, Allie, you will always be in my thoughts. I cannot stop thinking about you; no matter how hard I try. I still feel the pain of losing you; it won't go away, no matter how hard I try or how much time has passed.
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone. But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along.
When Mom and Dad told me that you died, I refused to believe it, Allie. I knew they had to be lying. You wouldn't leave me without letting me say goodbye to you one last time. But you did, and you left me. It's like you were never with me now, as if you never existed, even though I can still feel your presence.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears. When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears. And I've held your hand through all of these years.
I walked into your hospital room and saw you lying there, Allie. You weren't moving or making a sound at all. I collapsed when I realized what Mom and Dad had told me was true. I couldn't believe it. Once I somehow managed to regain myself, I got on your bed and held you in my arms one last time, still refusing to believe the inevitable truth.
But you still have all of me.
As I sat with you for that last time, I made I promise to you. No matter what happens, what I face, what I do, no matter what, you will always be in my heart. I will never stop loving you, Allie, my brother, my best friend. You will always have all of me.
